Monday, June 8, 2009
How To Tell Your Children About Your Divorce
Telling your child about the decision to divorce is a heart wrenching occasion. The worst thing you can do is put it off or not do anything. It is a time of great emotions for you which may include hurt, pain, humiliation, confusion, and a host of other emotions. Yet it is a time when you must deal with the emotions of your children.
The response of your children may range from being pleased (in the case of abuse and/or long term disharmony) to shock, anger or depression. Below I have listed some guidelines for telling your children.
Who should tell the children?
Both parents should tell the children. You should sit down as a family so that everyone will hear the same things and can ask questions.
When should I tell the children?
The best time would be a few days to a week before your physical separation. This will give your children some time to adjust to the news.
How should we tell the children?
Meet as a family. Be available and encourage questions. Be considerate and honest in answering questions. Do not get into blame. Do not discuss details of the other's faults. Do not speak with a bitter, angry or accusing tone.
Be truthful but do not use honesty as a weapon to hurt your spouse. This will only make things worse for your children. Be respectful of your children's love for both of you. Consider the need for stability in their lives.
The more information the better. Don't be so brief that your children try to fill in the blanks. Discuss what changes will occur; for example who will be moving and what you expect might happen. Most importantly, explain that it is not their fault.
And lastly be sure not to wait until one of the parents have already left. Do not lie and do not tell them before a definite decision is made to split up.
The information on this blog should not be considered to be legal advice and does not constitute a client / attorney relationship. Neither is this information intended to constitute psychological advice but is merely common sense knowledge gleaned from anecdotal experience.
If you are seeking to get a divorce or make modifications in the Virginia Beach, Norfolk or Chesapeake area please contact our office to set up a confidential legal consultation.
Oram-Smith Family Law
Jennifer D. Oram-Smith, P.C.
291 Independence Blvd.
Pembroke Four Bldg., Suite 241
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23462
Tel: (757) 226-0141
Fax: (757) 226-0158
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Divorce in Virginia
This publication comes from the Virginia State Bar Association. It is titled "Financial Issues in Divorce in Virginia". This report may not reflect any new laws and rulings but it may help you to understand your rights as it pertains to Virginia divorce laws.
Please note that this in no way substitutes the kind of legal advice and representation you will receive when you hire a competent attorney.
The information on this blog should not be considered to be legal advice and does not constitute a client / attorney relationship. If you are seeking to get a divorce or make modifications in Virginia Beach please contact our office to set up a confidential legal consultation.
http://www.vsb.org/publications/brochure/fidiv04.pdf
Oram-Smith Family Law
Jennifer D. Oram-Smith, P.C.
291 Independence Blvd.
Pembroke Four Bldg., Suite 241
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23462
Tel: (757) 226-0141
Fax: (757) 226-0158
Please note that this in no way substitutes the kind of legal advice and representation you will receive when you hire a competent attorney.
The information on this blog should not be considered to be legal advice and does not constitute a client / attorney relationship. If you are seeking to get a divorce or make modifications in Virginia Beach please contact our office to set up a confidential legal consultation.
http://www.vsb.org/publications/brochure/fidiv04.pdf
Oram-Smith Family Law
Jennifer D. Oram-Smith, P.C.
291 Independence Blvd.
Pembroke Four Bldg., Suite 241
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23462
Tel: (757) 226-0141
Fax: (757) 226-0158
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Dealing With Divorce: 7 Tips to Protect Your Kids
When a family finds itself in the middle of a separation or divorce, one of the first worries is "what about the children?" Research has shown that while divorce can be hard on children, its often the fighting of the parents that most directly effects the children, and the impact depends on how well the parents are able to isolate the children from these disruptions.
Many psychologists and other therapists have tips and suggestions on how best to help your children at times like these. One organization that provides a very good pamphlet and other information is the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts.
Parenting is a lifelong job, and remember, you do not divorce your children. The following ideas are 7 tips to keep in mind to help buffer your children from the real and imagined problems they face during parental separation and or divorce:
First and foremost, try to maintain consistency. Children going through separation and divorce need a lot of stability to anchor them during the stressful times of the early stages. Change as little as possible, especially at first. Do not alter the way you discipline and reward your child. Keep the routines the same (bedtimes, meals). Children feel safest when things are familiar.
Another important point is that tough times are the best times to be more affectionate. A few extra hugs are just what the doctor ordered for times like these. Be careful, of course, not to overdo this, but a little more affection can make a big difference to children who are feeling scared or lonely.
It is nevertheless, equally important to avoid letting your children take care of you, no matter how much you need the hugs too. Many children try to act like adults and want to help and comfort their parents, who they can see are in more distress than usual. That is not their job. Its hard enough to be a child at times like these, so don't treat them like an adult. Do the children a favor and keep the parental and child roles distinct and separate.
Help your children to stay connected. You should support your children's friendships and activities. Changing schools and day care is a bad idea, if its possible to avoid it. Often schools will make a residency exception in cases of separation, ask your psychologist or counselor to help with that. Even if you must move to a distant neighborhood and school district, make an effort to have sleep overs and play dates with their old friends, and encourage new friendships too.
Reassure your children about the basic necessities. Your children need to hear that both parents still love them and that the problems aren't their fault. Parents are often surprised to learn that when the parents fight about who gets to sleep where, the children worry that they too may have to sleep in the car. Children know when parents are feeling economically stressed, and even a well to do child may well be worried that there wont be enough food or clothes. If you can honestly tell them that food shelter and clothes wont be a problem, then tell them sooner rather than later.
Of course you need to spare the children exposure to fighting. Have your disagreements well out of earshot, and remember that kids are experts at listening in. Do not make your children take sides, or act as a go between, or messenger in your disagreements. Do not quiz them about your ex-spouse you have a telephone and you can ask your self, if you really need to know).
Finally, one of the most important things you can do for your children, is to take good care of your self. Your children need you now more than ever, to stay healthy. Eat, sleep, and exercise well. Do not isolate your self- spend plenty of time with old and new friends who can be supportive. If you start to feel overwhelmed, or if depression, anxiety, anger and such persist, consider getting help from a therapist or support group. Family therapy can be helpful at time like these as well.
Information provided by:
David John Berndt, Ph.D.
Original link located at http://www.divorcesource.com/VA/DS/berndt.html
Please note that all the information on this blog should not be considered to be legal advice and does not constitute a client / attorney relationship.
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
This post is a short interview of author Judith Wallerstein that was conducted by Elizabeth Farnsworth on NPR Online NewsHour. Ms. Wallerstein wrote a book titled "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." I find this interesting because as a society we usually do not think about the long term consequences of our actions until many years later when those consequences have manifested.
I believe it is important for children of divorce to be exposed to and spend time with couples who do have healthy loving marriages. This can go a long way in helping to dispel misconceptions about marriage and relationships that they acquire as a child. And hopefully as adults the exposure they have had to healthy relationships will give them hope that they too can have a healthy, lasting marriage.
The Interview:
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: One-quarter of the adults in this country under the age of 44 are children of divorce. A new book, "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," by Judith Wallerstein, Julia Louis, and Sandra Blakesly, explores how divorce continues to shape the lives of young people, even after they reach full adulthood. The book builds on therapist Judith Wallerstein's 30-year study of 131 children and adolescents from 60 divorcing families in Marin County, just North of San Francisco. Wallerstein is the founder of the Judith Wallerstein Center for the Family in Transition.
You've been looking at these kids-- and now adults-- for 30 years. What's the legacy now that they're adults of divorce?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: The legacy-- and it's a very surprising legacy to me, but I think it's one that has really hit a chord throughout this country-- is that the major impact of divorce is not, as we thought, at the time of the breakup, although that's very hard, but the major impact of divorce happens when they enter young adulthood and they... when the man/woman situation, man/woman relationship moves center stage, and that's when the ghosts of the parent's divorce rise from the basement.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: So you really learned a lot about not only what happens to them as adults, but looking back, you learned more even about what they had suffered as kids when you talked to them now, right?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I learned a lot. But I learned it in many ways. I knew them as children, so when they described their childhood memories, I could check with what I knew and remembered. And I happened to remember everything they told me-- although sometimes I can't remember what I did yesterday. But when they talked about having children, they all... Many of them said, in a surprising number, "I wouldn't want any child of mine to have my childhood," which was one of the most telling statements they made.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Many of them felt they had no childhood after the divorce, right?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: They really felt they had sacrificed their playtime, their childhood friendships. They had to spend a lot of time going back and forth from mother's house to father's house. They wanted to see their parents, but they wanted to see their friends, and they wanted to participate in the activities of the playground, and so on. And they did feel that they sacrificed a lot to their parent's divorce.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: So what is it that you most notice and know about them as adults that this divorce led to?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: They have a lot of trouble in believing that they can love somebody, or that somebody is going to love them, and that it's going to be a relationship that's going to last. And they're very convinced that they're going to go down the same path, and that their relationships are going to fail, and they say so very openly. One young woman says, "you can hope for love, but you can't expect it." Another: "Any relationship I'm in, I know I'm going to jinx; any relationship, any family I would be in would be a failure."
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: And this time, you had another group you looked at, people now adults who had lived through maybe difficult times, but their families didn't divorce. What did you find? What differences did you find?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Oh, I found striking differences that I didn't expect: That these young people, many of whom lived across the street and were friends of the people who participated in the study, when they reached adulthood, they had some templates, some internal images about what marriage was about, that marriage has its ups and downs; that it's a serious business. And they said, you know, "my dad told me anything that's worth having is worth fighting for." And they knew how people related to each other. And when they went looking for partners, they got into affairs, they got into all kinds of issues. I mean, it's an anxious time for everybody in our society. But they had in their minds what a marriage is about, and they didn't have the conviction that -- this is so tragic -- that their relationships would fail.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Mm-hmm. Why did this surprise you? I would think it would be fairly obvious, that if your parents are divorced, you might expect that you would be... have the same bad luck.
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Because what we all believe now in America-- and all of our resources have gone into this-- that it's the breakup that matters. And we tell parents-- attorneys tell them, mental health people tell them-- that if you can settle your problems between you with civility, if you can settle the financial affairs with some justice, and if the child will continue to have contact with both parents, the child is home free. That's what we say, and that's what we've been believing. And I have to confess, I've contributed to that, because my work has shown that it is an upset for the children at the time. But I didn't expect that the greatest upset -- I'm talking now about divorce as a cumulative experience-- that the greatest impact would be in their 20s and in their 30s; that's scary.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: I found the book a devastating critique of divorce. Some people out there listening might be thinking, well, this is so hard on people that are children of divorce, but I have to get a divorce; there's something in my marriage that makes it necessary. What do you say to those people?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I'm not taking a stand against divorce. I'm saying nobody from the outside can quantify the suffering of any man or any woman. But I am saying, and I show in my book, that a number of people who were disappointed in the marriage and disappointed in each other but found parenting rewarding-- not that they were martyrs, but that the parenting was rewarding and were able to do it together-- that their children felt protected and nurtured, and the children in the divorced families felt somehow exposed.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Is your group... Marin County is a wealthy county, one of the wealthiest counties in the country, and your group is all from Marin County -- can you really draw conclusions that work for the whole country based on your sample?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: My group represents divorce under the best circumstances. I chose youngsters who were psychologically sturdy. They weren't in any trouble before the breakup. Their parents are well-educated, and they didn't...there was nobody on welfare, there was nobody who really suffered poverty, like many, many families do after the breakup. And so, I think I was able to see the psychological impact with great clarity. Does this apply to all families in America? Nothing applies to all families in America. But so far, every one of my findings has held up with large studies, and that's a record of 30 years.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: What do you say to that person out there listening who does feel it's most necessary to get a divorce? What do you say that might help limit these really negative consequences?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Well, there are a lot of myths I think are unfortunate. Many parents are told that if you're unhappy, the child is unhappy. A child is not a mirror of a parent. A child has a stance of his own, and many children... most children, when there's a divorce, are very surprised by the parents' action. So my first message is, don't jump, stand still. Get whatever help you need. There are many situations where divorce is the best choice, but there are many more where it isn't. And it's hard for me to believe that 45% of marriages are so bad that they really need to divorce, and that's what's happening in this country.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: And then what? If you do decide you have to get one, what can make the situation better?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I think parents have to realize they're in it for the long haul; that their children are going to need their help in separating their fates from the fates of their parents; that the parents need to say, our marriage is not representative. They can go out of their way perhaps to enlist the help of grandparents or other members of the family or friends who have good marriages, because these young people grew up with the sense that they had never seen a man or a woman on the same beam, to use their language, and they didn't... weren't sure that that existed anywhere.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: What's at stake here for the nation as a whole?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I think the nature of our society, I think we are very fortunate that this is not a very cynical group. These are young people who want love, they want marriage, they want lasting relationships. A lot of them are staying single. A huge number are staying single. These are national statistics, and these are mine. Second divorces are higher than first divorces. And if we can come to some consensus that we need a protection to bring up children, then we have to in some way reverse direction.
Original Link:
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/conversation/july-dec00/wallerstein_12-19.htm
Please note that all the information on this blog should not be considered to be legal advice and does not constitute a client / attorney relationship.
I believe it is important for children of divorce to be exposed to and spend time with couples who do have healthy loving marriages. This can go a long way in helping to dispel misconceptions about marriage and relationships that they acquire as a child. And hopefully as adults the exposure they have had to healthy relationships will give them hope that they too can have a healthy, lasting marriage.
The Interview:
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: One-quarter of the adults in this country under the age of 44 are children of divorce. A new book, "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," by Judith Wallerstein, Julia Louis, and Sandra Blakesly, explores how divorce continues to shape the lives of young people, even after they reach full adulthood. The book builds on therapist Judith Wallerstein's 30-year study of 131 children and adolescents from 60 divorcing families in Marin County, just North of San Francisco. Wallerstein is the founder of the Judith Wallerstein Center for the Family in Transition.
You've been looking at these kids-- and now adults-- for 30 years. What's the legacy now that they're adults of divorce?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: The legacy-- and it's a very surprising legacy to me, but I think it's one that has really hit a chord throughout this country-- is that the major impact of divorce is not, as we thought, at the time of the breakup, although that's very hard, but the major impact of divorce happens when they enter young adulthood and they... when the man/woman situation, man/woman relationship moves center stage, and that's when the ghosts of the parent's divorce rise from the basement.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: So you really learned a lot about not only what happens to them as adults, but looking back, you learned more even about what they had suffered as kids when you talked to them now, right?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I learned a lot. But I learned it in many ways. I knew them as children, so when they described their childhood memories, I could check with what I knew and remembered. And I happened to remember everything they told me-- although sometimes I can't remember what I did yesterday. But when they talked about having children, they all... Many of them said, in a surprising number, "I wouldn't want any child of mine to have my childhood," which was one of the most telling statements they made.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Many of them felt they had no childhood after the divorce, right?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: They really felt they had sacrificed their playtime, their childhood friendships. They had to spend a lot of time going back and forth from mother's house to father's house. They wanted to see their parents, but they wanted to see their friends, and they wanted to participate in the activities of the playground, and so on. And they did feel that they sacrificed a lot to their parent's divorce.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: So what is it that you most notice and know about them as adults that this divorce led to?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: They have a lot of trouble in believing that they can love somebody, or that somebody is going to love them, and that it's going to be a relationship that's going to last. And they're very convinced that they're going to go down the same path, and that their relationships are going to fail, and they say so very openly. One young woman says, "you can hope for love, but you can't expect it." Another: "Any relationship I'm in, I know I'm going to jinx; any relationship, any family I would be in would be a failure."
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: And this time, you had another group you looked at, people now adults who had lived through maybe difficult times, but their families didn't divorce. What did you find? What differences did you find?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Oh, I found striking differences that I didn't expect: That these young people, many of whom lived across the street and were friends of the people who participated in the study, when they reached adulthood, they had some templates, some internal images about what marriage was about, that marriage has its ups and downs; that it's a serious business. And they said, you know, "my dad told me anything that's worth having is worth fighting for." And they knew how people related to each other. And when they went looking for partners, they got into affairs, they got into all kinds of issues. I mean, it's an anxious time for everybody in our society. But they had in their minds what a marriage is about, and they didn't have the conviction that -- this is so tragic -- that their relationships would fail.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Mm-hmm. Why did this surprise you? I would think it would be fairly obvious, that if your parents are divorced, you might expect that you would be... have the same bad luck.
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Because what we all believe now in America-- and all of our resources have gone into this-- that it's the breakup that matters. And we tell parents-- attorneys tell them, mental health people tell them-- that if you can settle your problems between you with civility, if you can settle the financial affairs with some justice, and if the child will continue to have contact with both parents, the child is home free. That's what we say, and that's what we've been believing. And I have to confess, I've contributed to that, because my work has shown that it is an upset for the children at the time. But I didn't expect that the greatest upset -- I'm talking now about divorce as a cumulative experience-- that the greatest impact would be in their 20s and in their 30s; that's scary.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: I found the book a devastating critique of divorce. Some people out there listening might be thinking, well, this is so hard on people that are children of divorce, but I have to get a divorce; there's something in my marriage that makes it necessary. What do you say to those people?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I'm not taking a stand against divorce. I'm saying nobody from the outside can quantify the suffering of any man or any woman. But I am saying, and I show in my book, that a number of people who were disappointed in the marriage and disappointed in each other but found parenting rewarding-- not that they were martyrs, but that the parenting was rewarding and were able to do it together-- that their children felt protected and nurtured, and the children in the divorced families felt somehow exposed.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: Is your group... Marin County is a wealthy county, one of the wealthiest counties in the country, and your group is all from Marin County -- can you really draw conclusions that work for the whole country based on your sample?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: My group represents divorce under the best circumstances. I chose youngsters who were psychologically sturdy. They weren't in any trouble before the breakup. Their parents are well-educated, and they didn't...there was nobody on welfare, there was nobody who really suffered poverty, like many, many families do after the breakup. And so, I think I was able to see the psychological impact with great clarity. Does this apply to all families in America? Nothing applies to all families in America. But so far, every one of my findings has held up with large studies, and that's a record of 30 years.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: What do you say to that person out there listening who does feel it's most necessary to get a divorce? What do you say that might help limit these really negative consequences?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: Well, there are a lot of myths I think are unfortunate. Many parents are told that if you're unhappy, the child is unhappy. A child is not a mirror of a parent. A child has a stance of his own, and many children... most children, when there's a divorce, are very surprised by the parents' action. So my first message is, don't jump, stand still. Get whatever help you need. There are many situations where divorce is the best choice, but there are many more where it isn't. And it's hard for me to believe that 45% of marriages are so bad that they really need to divorce, and that's what's happening in this country.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: And then what? If you do decide you have to get one, what can make the situation better?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I think parents have to realize they're in it for the long haul; that their children are going to need their help in separating their fates from the fates of their parents; that the parents need to say, our marriage is not representative. They can go out of their way perhaps to enlist the help of grandparents or other members of the family or friends who have good marriages, because these young people grew up with the sense that they had never seen a man or a woman on the same beam, to use their language, and they didn't... weren't sure that that existed anywhere.
ELIZABETH FARNSWORTH: What's at stake here for the nation as a whole?
JUDITH WALLERSTEIN: I think the nature of our society, I think we are very fortunate that this is not a very cynical group. These are young people who want love, they want marriage, they want lasting relationships. A lot of them are staying single. A huge number are staying single. These are national statistics, and these are mine. Second divorces are higher than first divorces. And if we can come to some consensus that we need a protection to bring up children, then we have to in some way reverse direction.
Original Link:
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/conversation/july-dec00/wallerstein_12-19.htm
Please note that all the information on this blog should not be considered to be legal advice and does not constitute a client / attorney relationship.
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